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    6 years ago

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Day By Day

Each day I notice I feel differently, some days I miss our son more than others and the reality that I carried him for 9 months without getting to meet him alive sets in.  Small triggers 'get' me.    I am struggling emotionally and as a result truly focused on my physical health.

In the past it was about weight, body image, strength and just being physically healthy overall,  but now it's so much more.  My physical health is directly correlated to my emotional health.

Each day I press play, I do it even when I don't to, even when it's hard. I do it because I need to do the same in my life.  I may not want to get up, it may be hard. I may not think I can go on. But I need to, and I will.

This photo is of me doing a workout this week (heavily modified as I'm still only 4 weeks post c-section), and the trainer said 'When you fall - because you will fall - find your base of support.'

This stuck with me. My fitness is my base of support, my community of people I coach and those that coach me are my support. My focus on nutrition gives my mind the clarity to process the emotions that wave through me on a daily basis, but the fitness is my 'beam' of support and a parallel to my grieving process.

I am 4 weeks postpartum. I am struggling emotionally having lost my son at 38 weeks, but I am not giving up. 

After my first son was born, I 'gave up' on me.  I was emotionally drained for different reasons.  Going back to work full time, being sleep deprived, hormonal changes (that part is still relevant) all threw me into a tailspin.  Not this time. I can't afford to let my physical health slip despite all my barriers.

So here are my 4 week progress photos of the 'new' me since the prior me is a thing of the past.   Here are four weeks of focus on nutrition, focus on moving even if it's just shuffling.  Focus on my physical health to help support my emotional healing.

I compare here, to my 10 month postpartum 'before' photo after having my first son.  This photo seems like a lifetime away. This photo represents 10 months of giving up on myself. I refuse to do that again.  My family needs me, I need me.

I still struggle emotionally on a daily basis, but having a goal and a clear mind helps me get up, get moving and process the emotions as they hit me. 

I start each morning with a workout, no matter what it looks like, I move.   Then with a solid breakfast to fuel my mind for the day ahead.

The days are often hard, so I wear sunglasses 99% of the time.  They hide the tears when they come out of the blue.  They hide them from strangers and from my son.  My son sees me cry each day, but I don't want him to worry about me all day, so I wear sunglasses so that I can build a safe zone between my tears and the world as I work to find my new normal.

Every day, I chose to look at the world in new ways, searching for positivity in my days.  Not to erase the birth of my son, Thomas.  Not to have made it happen for a 'reason' but to let something good come of something terrible, something no mother should ever have to experience.

I look at photos like this one, and I remember the joy and happiness we had not that long ago. I  want hope and happiness back in my life with a new lens.  As a result I'm working to appreciate things in a different way then I ever had before.  

I will never get to see Thomas smile for the first time, crawl for the first time, giggle, walk or run.  But I CAN see Benjamin as he grows up. I CAN be the best mom possible for him.  Truly engage with him and be available to him in ways I never was 'before'

Sharing some food updates from this week, while I'm not 'perfect' with my food I am doing everything I can to fuel my body so my mind can be clear.  Here are a few 'easy' tips for nutritious choices.  I haven't had energy to think about food so they are all easy!

Infused water with strawberries and mint from the garden.

Veggie frittata - eggs, a little cheddar and parmesean cheese and any veggies I got my hands on from our CSA (spinach, onion, garlic scapes, sundried tomatoes).  Baked at 350 for a half hour and an easy breakfast, lunch, dinner or snack!

I am also back to my apple cider vinegar tea.  I had avoided this while pregnant with Thomas because the ACV I use is not pasteurized and while the risk is small, I made sure to avoid anything that could cause harm to my baby.  Anything that was within my control.

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