5 Weeks

It's been over 5 weeks since Thomas died.  The time seems like it's taken forever and at the same time, it's been the fastest 5 weeks of my life.

I looked at the calendar and realized the other day, I have no recollection of what I did during the entire month of June.  I'm in this weird time warp where I feel like time keeps passing and I'm standing still.

I will say that the past 5 weeks I have noticed changes in how 'raw' my grief is.  For those first few days and weeks everyone who I met who went through this same loss kept reminding me that, it almost felt like an insult.  How could it not be raw?

But now I know.  Now I know that time does go on, and the rawness subsides.

Here I am at a fundraising event for a local organization that helps parents who have lost a child through support groups, peer mentoring and expenses associated with losing a child (medical bills, burial costs).  One thing that Hope After Loss has done for me is helped me realize while I feel alone, I'm not truly alone.

This photo may not seem like much, but to me it says a lot.  I see my post partum body still shining through at the 1 month birthday of my son.  I am also reminded of my first 'big' outing - I attended a local charity event where I knew I would be engulfed by countless old coworkers.  I used to work at Travelers, and the Travelers Championship is filled with Travelers employees in attendance and volunteering.  

I anticipated this to be hard, but I went anyway.  

I went for this guy, who needs his mommy.   He needs to see me cry, but also see me smile. 

In the last 5 weeks, this guy has been my rock for getting up each and every morning.   He has joined me for countless workouts.  He has reminded me not to use heavy weight (even offering to use them 'for' me). 

My workouts are different than they had even been when I was pregnant.   I had anticipated being sleep deprived and post partum, but I didn't anticipate grieving the loss of my son.

I still don't see my 'light' but I'm working hard each day to remind myself of the things that give it a spark. 

I can't take away the pain, I can't bring my son back.  But I can work to find ways to continue to move forward and make sense of it and allow it to change my life and those around me in a positive way.

I can also continue to find things to be grateful for.  Here's my little guy making zucchini fritters with Daddy.  He has hard days too, but he reminds me on a daily basis the value of resilience. 

I am making strides each day between nutrition and fitness to take care of my body so that I have the energy I need to take care of my mind. 

This has also included a lot of time outside.  I am grateful for the sunshine, and the warmth. I am grateful that every year as we celebrate Thomas's birth and mourn his death, we will have the Summer months to pull us out.