Day By Day

Day by day seems to be the best title for this blog post, because that's literally how I've been working through the loss of our son, Thomas.

I am working each day at a new routine, that involves parts of my 'old' routine, but to be honest a part of me is different and won't ever be the same again.   

One new addition to my routine is GRATITUDE.  I make a point each morning to find at least one thing to be grateful for - usually it includes something to do with this little guy!

He literally lights up my days and reminds me of all the good things that I have, and how fortunate I am to have him.

He also has been what's gotten me out of bed each morning.   I miss my 5:30 wake up calls, but when I wake up these days, I realize "wow, this happened, I gave birth to my son, but he wasn't breathing"

That's a hard thing to swallow and it makes me want to go back to bed and to sleep where I don't feel sad.    But I KNOW that the only way to work through my emotions (not past them, not over it, but to manage them), is to get up each day.

Ben has been amazing for this "Wake up mommy! It's time to workout!" - he has watched me have this routine for years now, he know s it makes me happy.

My son also never ceases to amaze me.   We gave him this gift that we had gotten for him 'from' his baby brother for the hospital.   I saw it packed with my hospital bags and got really upset, then realized, he should still have it and it should still be from Thomas.

Ben was so excited as he opened it, and then started to 'thank' my tummy - he had talked to my tummy for 9 months, that's where his baby lived!   I explained Thomas wasn't there anymore, his response:

"But his heart is, Mommy.   He left his heart, and now you have TWO hearts."

So fitting, and so true.

Later that day, I received this necklace in the mail, a reminder of Thomas's heart embedded in mine.

Ben also had recently ready a book about how when it rains, it's heaven saying hello.  He knows his little brother 'died' and now lives in 'heaven.   In the 2 weeks following Thomas's death (ending on his due date), it has pretty much rained non stop.   

Ben's response "Mommy, it's my baby brother saying hi!" 

I'm a Summer person, a warm weather, and sunshine person.  But this rain has felt comforting.   I've soaked it up as thousands of tiny kisses from our Thomas.

I am also grateful for the time we spent with him, the 9 months of feeling him flutter around in my stomach, and the hours and days we had with him in the hospital after I delivered him.   

While I never got to see his eyes, I am grateful I was able to hold his hands, kiss his face, tell him I love him.

Another thing I'm grateful for beyond my fitness routine (which right now doesn't look to be much more than shuffling), is my nutrition routine.   In the past it's been about weight, or even just 'physical' accomplishments like being able to run again or waterski again.  But right now my priority is around mental clarity.

Each food choice is a choice to let myself grieve with the clearest head possible.  

I am grateful for the plethora of friends who have and continue to send me food the last few weeks, I am grateful they 'know' me and have sent amazing meals with veggies and vegetarian proteins that help me with my goal to combat anxiety and work through sadness by fueling my body with the best foods to make that possible.