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Thursday, May 25, 2017

Heaven Gained an Angel

This week's post comes with a very heavy heart.   For anyone who has been a part of my blog or my wellness journey, you have seen the ups and downs of this pregnancy.  The joy, the fear and the excitement.

As we got closer to our scheduled delivery date, June 5th, I started to let down my guard.  The loss last summer weighed heavy on me for the majority of this pregnancy.    However, on May 22nd, we learned that our rainbow baby had passed.

We met him later that night, naming him Thomas James.   He was born at 6:38pm and weighed 6lbs 15oz, perfectly healthy and beautiful, he had two very unique cord complications which at some point over the weekend cut off his supply to me.

This is a loss no parents should ever have to endure, but as we look forward in the upcoming days and weeks I am working hard to focus on the things in Life I have to be grateful for.

First and foremost, this little guy.   He brightens my days, but more so now than I ever could have imagined.  He needs me as much as I need him.   

While I am still recovering from the c-section, we have already started 'moving' again.   From 1 walk a day in the hospital, to 6 (each lasting about 3 minutes) each day has gotten a little better.  Having a reason to keep moving has been so important.   When I got home later in the week, I said maybe we could 'workout' together (very light, very simple given my recovery), his response:

"Mommy, we can do heavy weights, heavy weights won't hurt your boo boo."

While I can't do heavy weights, or weights at all, it melted my heart that he knows his mommy THAT well that he knows I love my 'heavy' weights.

We will be moving forward with walks and very light dancing (approved by the doctor) to keep with routine and keep my mind in a positive space.

Proud to be my walking buddy...

I also have really been working hard to focus on my nutrition.  After Ben was born, I struggled a lot with sleep deprivation, recovery and all the changes of being a new mom.  I turned to food and started living a sedentary life.  I know that that combination made it harder for me to enjoy my new son and harder to be present in my life.

Despite the sadness I feel in my heart, I am grateful to now have tools and support to remind me that healthy food choices aren't about a number on a scale, they are about a mental state. And right now I need the healthiest mind I can have to help cope with these emotions.

Between my shakeology, bananas, water and eggs I am proud to say that I have made strong nutritional choices and felt the impact on my body.

It's not making me less sad, but it's helping me process the sad.

My first meal 'back' home I chose to make zoodles (we had just gone to the grocery store and had some veggies still in the fridge).  I had the choice of pasta and cake, but I knew they would make me tired, they'd make me want to just lay down and sleep.  But right now that's not what I need, and it's certainly not what my family needs.

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