Seasons of Life

I thought this was an important way to start this blog post.  As we are coming up on 4 months since Thomas passed, I am finding myself looking at various babies and realizing Thomas is stuck in time. He's stuck as a newborn, and I'll never get to know what he'd 'be like'.  Some days it leaves me hopeless, some days I float, and other days it leaves me bitter and angry.  I don't like being bitter and angry, it's not me.

I look back at photos of my pregnancy and I see pure joy in my face.  I had experienced a loss, with my miscarriage at 12 weeks, so I had worry...but I also had joy once I started to get to the final weeks.   Once I hit 35 weeks I truly thought: This is it, this IS actually going to happen.   

I am finding 4 months out that I am 'more me' than I had been, but I am also realizing that I won't ever truly be the me I used to be. There is a knowledge and void I now have, as well as a deeper appreciation for life that I never had before.   This new me is hard, because it reminds me that when I lost Thomas, I also lost a big part of who I was.

I am working to figure out who the 'new' me is.  And I am grateful that each day snippets of the old me come back up.  I am finding joy in my workouts, for one. Instead of doing them as a survival method, I am doing them for my health.   In the beginning, I was doing them for some sort of routine, some reason to get up and not give up.

Here I am with my little guy, he has gotten 'more' of me then ever before this Summer, he is a reminder of the miracle that it is to have a child make it here safely.

This month also started my first 'full load' of Mommy & Me classes.  To be honest, I was worried.  But it's actually been wonderful.   Occasionally I catch myself, I hear a mom introduce herself and give her child's age and realize Thomas should be that age, but it's also been nice to go back to some of our 'before' habits, and this was a big part of our routine.

With the Summer closing to an end, and the passing of my first season of grief, I am going into the fall focusing on some of my health habits that I let slip this summer.   Flossing is a big one, as well as getting up early enough to read personal development before my workout.    It feels 'good' to be back to these old habits...next I'll have to-reconquer nail biting. 

I also am officially one week into my current accountability group - a place where I mentor and support others (mostly women) on how to clean up their nutrition, add in fitness and most importantly love themselves along the way.   As a result, I've recommitted to MY nutrition, and here are some of my favorite meals from this week!