First Birthday

This marked my first birthday as a Mom of 2 boys, but only one living.   I lined up some massages, started my day with a workout and planned a family dinner.   I did the best I could to enjoy it, and there were both great parts and random tears.   The tears come and go and I never quite know when they'll hit, but I have heard that 'events' like birthdays and holidays are the hardest.  I also know that too many good days often lead to the hard ones.

Despite having some hard moments, this last week I was able to finish off my 3rd weak of my nutrition and fitness challenge - what I am most happy about is the fact that my stomach is less 'round' after these 3 weeks. I am still quite mushy from 12 months of pregnancy between both pregnancies, but I am no longer 'looking' pregnant which is huge given the fact that with no baby, this is a harsh reminder.

I also got in more waterskiing, this time a few longer runs.  I'm still not there stamina wise to where I 'usually' am, but I am proud to say that I got through all week with waterskiing almost daily and didn't get sore once!

I also am starting to notice some muscles above my knee, which is a big non scale win!

This little green thing was my gym for the week.  No internet required.   I love how simple it is to stick to my workouts and be consistent and get the motivation and support I need.

And the fact that I can consistently stick to a program ANYWHERE, home, the gym, NH, NOLA, NC - you name it!

Here is my birthday workout with my little guy. I know that when I get up early I feel better, so I gave him permission to wake me up as soon as the sun came up and wish me a happy birthday and insist on me getting out of bed.  He had no issues with that request! 

My birthday also had some lake time and reading, this book is wonderful because it's allows me to read about a family who went through this process but due to HIV and AIDS in the 80s, instead of stillbirth. So it's helpful to understand the grief process through a similar, but not directly related lens. 

While I am having more 'good' moments these days, the hard ones still come fast and furious and out of know where.   I have to keep reminding myself, it's only been 10 weeks.  I have many friends who spent the first few weeks, months or even year in bed, drinking, taking antidepressants and doing all they could to just survive.  I am proud of myself that no matter how hard it is, I have support and tools to get myself up an out of bed and avoid substances.

...which is also important for this little guy. I refuse to miss any more time with him.   I refuse to let this summer be more of a blur than it already will be. 

And while we are having fun, not a day goes by that we don't think of Thomas.   

On my birthday, I shared this photo as a reminder to the world of Thomas's life. He'll never get to celebrate a birthday, but I can honor him each and every year that I have the honor of getting older.

And I can continue to love on this little guy sharing with him all the love I had building up for Thomas.

Food news!  Here are some of my favorite meals from the week,  a week of vacation and clean eating CAN be done!  What I love about veggie burgers is that there are so many kinds you can have a different meal each day as a result.