The New Normal

I hear this a lot "the new normal" or "the new you" from other loss moms.   It's hard to realize that I've been forever changed by the loss of our son, Thomas.  But I know its true.    I'm working hard to figure out the "new me" - what is temporary and what is permanent.

It's been 6 weeks and we are slowly making our way back to 'normal routines' including teaching Mommy & Me classes (we haven't started to teach yet).  I brought Ben to class this last week because I wasn't sure how I'd react.    Seeing the moms and the babies.  

As I drove there I was really anxious, but it actually ended up being really nice.    The community of moms felt nice, and it was great to see Ben at class.  As you can see in this photo, he 'did class for me' - he knew I was still recovering so he volunteered to do the class instead.

We then headed up from class to our family vacation in NH. I have been doing this vacation for the last 34 years of my life, I cam up for the first time just weeks after I was born.

I was anxious about this as well, but I brought the 'tools' that I knew would help me.  I committed to morning workouts (technology has come a long way, all I needed was an ipad to do them!).

The ultimate goal of vacation was to be able to waterski.  I wasn't originally anticipating being able to do it until August, but I called my doctor on day 1 of the 6th week and he gave me the green light.

Waterskiing is one thing that brings me immense joy, something I have been doing since I was a kid.  Even before we lost Thomas, it was on my radar to have it as a goal to be able to do it before the end of the summer.  Waterskiiing was actually the reason I started on my health and wellness journey 3 years ago, when I realized I was too overweight to do it it was my breaking point to make changes.

I was scared to do it, but hopeful and honestly NEEDED to do it to feel alive.  

On my first try I got up, it wasn't easy and I didn't last as long as I normally do, but I did it.

We had friends up for the first part of the vacation, it felt nice to feel 'normal' with them for the four days they were hear.   Some days the loss doesn't hurt as badly. Some days I actually feel pretty darn normal.  

The problem is, there are then the days that it feels like the world is crashing down on me.  I am grateful every day for Benjamin.   While losing Thomas has broken me in many ways, having Benjamin keeps me going.    After our friends left, we headed to Storyland which we do every year.   I was OK for the first part, I tried not to look too much at the newborns all around.  Thomas was supposed to be with us on this trip.   It hurt to realize that.  

After a few hours at the park, I started to crumble.  

Sunglasses have become my best friend these days, they let me have fun with my family and get out in social settings without having to hold back tears.

After I spent some time crying, I actually bumped into another mom, 250 miles from home, who I knew from prior conversations had had the same loss of an infant.

I am quite certain Thomas sent her to me, he knew I was struggling and knew I needed a hug from someone who 'gets it'.  As much as others want to help, as much as they feel the pain for me, I am finding that the only ones that 100% understand are other mothers who have been through the same loss.

So on a day that I wanted to have fun with my family but was struggling, Thomas sent me a hug from one of the only people that would understand my tears fully.

The rest of the day went much better as a result and we  were able to enjoy some more laughs as we made our way through the park.

I've been enjoying having Ben by my side all vacation, watching him enjoy all the things that brought me so much joy as a child has given me a newfound sense of happiness despite the challenges.

While I don't have photos of Thomas to share from our vacation, he hasn't left our side.   I look for his artwork in the sky every day, and wear reminders of him, like this beautiful foot print pendant to match the hand print one I have.

In food news, I haven't been perfect.  Lots of stress (some anticipated, some not) combined with poor food choices being more readily available has made way for some not so great choices. What I am proud of is that I am continuing to make good choices amidst the not so great ones.